This is followed by “CHURCH GIRL” that has a dope-ass 808 bassline and now I think I know how to twerk. From what I can gather, it’s about a repressed “church girl,” so to speak, going out with her girlfriends and “dropping it like a thotty.” Beyoncé really sells the importance of liberation through dance and sex as a form of claiming autonomy over your own body. Who would have thought that dropping it like a thotty was so revolutionary? My favorite line on the whole album is on this track, “it must be the cash because it ain’t your face.” Man! What a shot at the human thumb himself, Jay Z. Damn, really got did dirty there, Hov! I would like to point out that she uses the phrase “Tig Ol Bitties” here, a ridiculous phrase for anyone to use, let alone a 40 year old pop superstar. I believe the first use of this phrase (at least the first time I’ve ever heard it) was from notable douchebag and former famous Youtuber Ray William Johnson, in a musical side project of his called “Your Favorite Martian.” Of course, this musical act was also well known for such 2010 “classics” as “The Stereotype Song,” and who can forget “Bitch Got a Penis.”
She tones back the aggressive rhythm on the next track, “PLASTIC OFF THE SOFA”, a still groove-tacular, equally sexy, albeit more straight-forward RnB song that calls back to a freshly post-Destiny’s Child Beyoncé. I must say, this song is a skip at the gym, but when I’m not going for most spectacular gains, this is another highlight of an album full of highlights. In a specific sense, it’s about her and Jay Z, probably as atonement for that crushing blow she gave him in that last song. She’s saying “even though it ain’t your face, you still make me happy.” However, it’s general enough to be a great love song between any two people, not just two uber-rich celebrity socialites. They’re just like us! This song, of course, leads into my favorite song on the album… it’s ”VIRGO’S GROOVE” time, ladies and germs! This six minute long epic finds a groove and jams it in your face like when your friend’s mean stepdad shoves a wet towel in your sunburned face when you were out camping (is this a universal experience?). The bassline is deep, crisp, funky, rich, car-shaking. “I can be the one to take you there, on this magic ride,” she sings, which is exactly what the song does to me. Wherever I am, be it grocery shopping, doing the dishes, at the gym, sitting idly staring at the wall — I am instantly transported to a hot nightclub, shirtless, covered in glowstick juice, surrounded by drunks and people on ecstasy as we join in a gelatinous mass of sweaty flesh, shaking and gyrating to the Virgo’s Groove. Beyoncé also calls me the love of her life on this song, which I think is only on my Spotify’s version of the album. Yup. I think they skip that part on everyone else’s.
The song ends abruptly as the opening drum-line of “MOVE” breaks. “Move out the way, I’m with the girls and we’re gonna need space.” Don’t have to tell me twice. If it’s after midnight I’m probably headed home soon anyway. Dear reader, there is a PALPABLE Jamaican dancehall influence, and goes so far as to feature Jamaican multi-hyphenated model-actor-musical legend Grace Jones (who is 74 years old and parties harder than I do). A banger, most definitely. “HEATED,” then, is the next track, which is notable for having Beyoncé deliver the most unhinged vocal performance you’ve ever heard in her life. Starts out Bey-ish and pretty enough as she hits us with that trademark croon. But then, the clouds part like the red sea and we stare God in the face as the outro hits. All semblance of pop-superstardom composure is thrown out the window as Beyoncé just loses her fucking mind. For someone whose public persona is so carefully curated to be this perfect, deity-like image, for her to go off in this way is nothing short of incredible. Here is a sample of the lyrics.
“Tip, tip, tip on hardwood floors
Ten, ten, ten across the board (With a waist that wine like this)
Give me face, face, face, face, yah
Your face card never declines, my God (Ooh)
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Mm, yummy, yummy, yum, make the bummy heated
Make a pretty girl talk that shitty
Whiskey ’til I’m tipsy, glitter on my kitty (Ooh)
Cool it down, down, down, my pretty
Bad, bad bitchy make the bad bitch glitchy
Fine, fine, fine-fine, fine-fine, fine, fine
Liberated, livin’ like we ain’t got time
Yadda, yadda, yah, yadda, yadda, yah, yah
Yadda, yadda, yadda, bom, bom, ka, ka
And on like this for a good while. The written words don’t do it justice without hearing it. Just listen. It’s fuckin’ awesome.